What Compromises Can an Introvert and an Extrovert Make in Their Relationship?

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From time to time, I receive despairing emails from extroverts about their relationships with introverts.

One woman turned an empty bedroom into a "human being cave" for her introverted husband, who rewarded her by spending all his time at that place—and sometimes even sleeping there—leaving her alone and lonely. Another woman said that her husband refused to socialize with her, and while she didn't mind socializing without him, she didn't like doing information technology all the time and found herself staying home more than than she preferred. And I've heard from multiple guys trying to woo introverted women and wondering how much chasing was necessary, or intrusive.

An extrovert recently griped on this blog about how 1-sided it is. "What well-nigh the needs of extroverts in relationships?" he wanted to know. While this blog is one-sided, I still feel
compassion for these out-in-the-common cold extroverts, and I do want to address some of the bug they raise.

Here are v things extroverts can consider when dating introverts (or hoping to):

1. Exist patient. Introverts feel feisty right now.

People who pay a lot of attention to cultural trends might experience like the "introvert-positive" movement is about a twenty-four hour period away from jumping the shark, merely in reality, many introverts are only just realizing that their introversion is OK. Afterwards a lifetime of feeling similar they were deeply flawed—and I recently received an email from a woman in her 70s—introverts are exuberant to learn that they're simply fine. And then all this "Introverts rock!" hoopla is a pressure release. For some, information technology's a celebration and a venting of frustration and anger. It's people who have walked in shame realizing that they don't have to be ashamed anymore.

Information technology will pass.

Eventually, the venting volition be over, and the differences between introverts and extroverts will be understood and accustomed. We'll learn to work with the delightful variety, and all will exist well. Let us blow off steam for a bit.

2. Respect an introvert's rights, just practice not give upwards yours.

You may be but learning about an introvert'south needs. I am truly moved every time I hear from an extrovert who says, "I am trying to respect my partner's demand for solitude (or less socializing or quiet time)." Your effort and thoughtfulness are exactly right.

Being respectful of your partner'southward needs, however, does not let them off the hook for not respecting yours. You are entitled to say sometimes, "It's important to me that y'all come to this party," or, "I sympathise that you demand solitude, but information technology'south not OK with me for yous to spend every evening solitary in your man cave. We have to find a compromise." And compromise is a two-manner street.

3. Sometimes y'all need to enquire (and then heed).

It is helpful to inquire specific questions. What does your introvert detest doing the most? What kind of socializing is least problematic for him or her? What are your parameters? Yous may or may not have ever given the specifics much idea. But maybe if y'all inquire some questions, yous'll commencement figuring out the middle ground to get both of your needs met.

Perhaps you demand to go to big parties solitary or with friends, only your partner is OK with small-scale dinner gatherings. Maybe your partner actually enjoys big parties, as long as y'all're non e'er trying to cajole him out of his quiet corner. And maybe she'due south really fine with whatever y'all want to practice, as long equally yous play social director.

• What Is Introversion?
• Find a therapist near me

And what nearly you? Maybe you're fine with going out by yourself, but dislike the chill you lot feel in the air when you get home. Or yous would prefer that your introvert stay dwelling house rather than agreeing to get out and then looking pained. Maybe you need to know how frequently you can invite people to the house each calendar week or month without annoying your partner (simply "never" is not an acceptable reply).

4. Practise non avoid important discussions.

Introverts can exist overwhelmed past what feels like extroverts' emotion dumps, and they often need a trivial time to process before they can go into sensitive discussions. That's fine. But I believe that if an introvert asks for more time to think something through, it becomes their job to reintroduce the topic when they are ready. It's not off-white to strength yous to heighten bug in the starting time place and bring them up again, making you feel pushy and naggy. In a perfect world, the introvert asks for time to reflect (which you lot would grant) and so returns to say, "I thought information technology through, and hither's how I feel…"

Introversion Essential Reads

As well bad we don't live in a perfect world.

Regardless of what I believe is fair, you might demand to be the person who brings things upward once more. I'm sorry, but one of my favorite phrases from my book, Introverts in Dearest, comes from Kristen, an introvert who cops to her tendency to try to sweep problems nether the rug. Married to an extreme extrovert, Kristen says that her married man often has to drag her out of her "silent, angry corner" (that'south the phrase I honey) to deal with issues and that she appreciates it. She says information technology's the healthiest relationship she's always had.

If you take on the responsibility for bringing issues upward, then you are to be thanked and appreciated. If your partner grumbles, because yous don't let of import matters become, that'southward not your problem; you're doing what needs to be done. (Recognize the difference, though, between helpful confrontation and haranguing.) Tell your partner that fugitive bug is not the same as not having problems and that non discussing problems doesn't make them go away. If you proceed hitting a brick wall anyway? That's a problem in itself. Read John Gottman (run across below).

5. Consider whether you have a human relationship issue.

An unwillingness to compromise or come across your needs is non an introversion issue, it'southward a relationship issue. If you have expressed a genuine demand, and your partner refuses to see you at to the lowest degree halfway, so y'all are dealing with something other than an introvert being an introvert. "Because I'm an introvert" is no get-out-of­-jail-free carte; if it's beingness used as a reason to avert spending time with y'all, doing things you want to do, or discussing important matters, then you have my permission to call your partner out on that.

The problem could exist the human relationship if:

• There seems to be no finish to the amount of solitude your partner needs.

• The person yous're dating shuts down on you often.

• You have to beg for attention.

You might hear something you don't desire to hear if you endeavor to go to the eye of the thing, simply if yous desire to set a trouble, y'all have to know exactly what the problem is.

Just every bit information technology's inappropriate for introverts to employ their introversion as an excuse for not meeting a partner'due south needs, information technology's not productive for you to attribute deeper problems to the extrovert/introvert gap. If a nascent relationship is not taking hold, yous might demand to take the hint and let information technology go. If a union or another important relationship is struggling, consider professional help.

Some books I recall can be particularly helpful for couples in trouble include:

• My volume, Introverts in Dearest, of course

• The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman

• The Five Love Languages by Gary D. Chapman

• Fastened: The New Science of Adult Attachment by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

• Getting the Love You lot Desire past Harville Hendrix

(By the way, men—no police force says that only women can read relationship books. Your virtually manly parts will not suffer if you pick one up now and and so.)

So what do yous retrieve, extroverts? Whatever other problems you desire to vent?

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Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-introverts-corner/201509/5-essential-tips-introvert-extrovert-couples

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